Monday

WHY SUFFER? THE QUESTIONABLE REASONING OF A PLEASURE ENTHUSIAST

Some women are more comfortable taking St.John's Wort instead of anti-depressants, doing the Master cleanse instead of taking diet pills, going to an acupuncturist instead of a doctor. Alternative medicine is defined as "that which has not been proven effective." If an alternative medicine is proven to work it's called medicine.

Personally I'm not big on suffering or things that don't work. And I believe you should spend as little time as possible doing things you don't like. So without further ado - the Leila Shams guide to LIVIN'!

(warning: following this guide may result in financial hardship, weight gain, increased focus on matters of no consequence, infertility, decrease in general health, alcohol dependancy and, in rare cases, death)

ONE

J.Lo or Pabst? The choice is yours

"Must be nice." People are so annoying when it comes to housekeepers, like they're only for rich people. Especially in my Brooklyn neighborhood where everyone acts like having money is the least cool thing that can happen to a person. A housekeeper in NY is about $80 a visit, if you get them every other week it's the same amount of money Williamsburg people spend on Pabst in a Sunday afternoon. Make sure she will also do laundry, even if the laundromat is a few blocks away. This will give you so much more time to do things you enjoy and it cuts down on fights between couples or roommates. And don't give me that craziness about not wanting other people dealing with your dirty clothes - you think you're doin something special down there?

TWO

Blood brings out the worst in a lady

So you like getting super depressed once a month? How bout having horrible cramps, looking like you're 6 months pregnant, eating too much and hemorrhaging from your vagina? Certainly not my cup-a-tee. But unless you're trying to get pregnant you are choosing to get your period. There is no medical need for it, in fact there is evidence that not menstruating improves certain aspects of your health, most obviously the alleviation of PMS. All you have to do is take the pill straight through, when you hit the inactive ones start a new pack. It has to be a brand that has the same dosage of medicine in each pill (ask your doctor). Lots of women think they can't tolerate the pill - I would recommend trying a few different new kinds before giving up - they're more tolerable than they used to be. 

THREE

Just when you thought Carrot Top couldn't get any sexier he goes and pulls a stunt like this
If you have curly hair that you spend lots of time and/or money blowing straight then get the Brazilian hair straightening. If you're worried about the chemicals then don't use it on your pubes.

FOUR

I suggest removing your wart-like mole before you embark on a 40 year career in film and television

OK plastic surgery is a big expense and not everyone can afford it. But I did not say this was a guide to budget LIVIN'. I really feel if you have something that makes you crazy, something you think about constantly that has always bothered you, and it's fixable with plastic surgery then it's so worth it. Now if you have a big nose and you honestly love it then keep it! I am absolutely not talking about looking perfect or worse, like an Orange County housewife. I just mean if that dead tooth, bump on your nose, or double chin have always made you insecure then fix them. And if you're thin but have an area that always looks fat to you no matter what you do then lipo it. Laser lipo is much cheaper and less traumatic than traditional lipo and heals much faster. Life is too short to dwell on such stupid shit so if you can't stop obsessing then stop wasting time and money on disappointing short term solutions.

And do not discuss your physical insecurities with anyone but your shrink/plastic surgeon/mom. It focuses attention on the area, it's boring, and it forces the listener to assure you that it's not true. If I had a nickel for every time I had to tell a friend she wasn't fat or I had to be assured of the same by a friend or boyfriend I could buy us all lipo by now. Let's talk about something more interesting, like "The Bachelorette". (Oh no she isn't still trying to get with Bentley! Stupid bitch!!!)

FIVE

Kate Moss is lovin it

No one likes my diet tips but I'm gonna give 'em anyway. Working out is good for you. But eating to reward yourself is not. Alcohol doesn't make you gain weight in itself. Beer or pina coladas are fattening but not wine or liquor if it's straight or with a calorie free mixer. However, alcohol is a problem when mixed with food. It lowers your ability to control your eating and your body metabolizes the alcohol first. So after a good workout treat yourself to a martini instead of a frozen yogurt. Also, weigh yourself every day in the morning. Don't trust your clothes to tell you if you can have a big lunch or not. Pretty sure a scale is more accurate than a pair of blue jeans. You can eat whatever you want as long as you're burning as many or more calories than you're ingesting. You want McDonald's fries? Go ahead. A medium is 380 calories. So if you burn 1500 calories a day you've got 1120 more. How 'bout a doughnut? A Boston Creme is 210 calories. Will these things fill you up? No, but neither will that salad or fruit shake.  Don't waste your calories. It should either be something satisfying or something you really want.

SIX

Actual results on a woman covered in Vaseline

Rapid lash works, trust me. It takes about a month and you can get it at Duane Reade or drugstore.com. If you're scared about possible side effects how did you get all the way through this post?

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