THE EVOLUTION OF STYLE

I was talking to my friend Tim at a party this weekend and the conversation turned, as it often does, to octopuses (he said the correct pluralization is octopodes but I can find nothing to support this claim).  He had been scuba diving on a recent trip and took this incredible footage.

The octopus lands on some coral and transforms to match it perfectly. At another point it flashes purple and when it swims it becomes black and white striped to mimic a clown fish. It's as beautiful as it is weird.

I use photos of nature as a starting point every season. There is no way I could come up with something as beautiful as our plants and animals. So why did humans turn out so bland? Caucasian skin is a dull tone so particular in nature the crayon color is "nude". Black skin is a little more exciting but still decidedly neutral. 

Is it possible we evolved to need fashion?  It's like we're a blank canvas that has to be decorated. If you put a leopard in a pair of Proenza Schouler ikat printed pants it would look hideous. But nothing clashes with human skin. And without clothing we would not have been able to lose our body hair and survive in cold climates. 

There's a Men's Warehouse commercial that says "60 percent of women would rather be with a well dressed man than a rich man". I'm sure this finding came out of an exhaustive double blind study conducted by the vast team of researchers at Men's Warehouse. Still, fashion is very much a part of attraction. Would anyone believe that Mr.Big would actually go for the big nosed wart faced Carrie from Sex in the City if she wasn't so chic?

If good style gives men an evolutionary advantage the same way elaborate feathers do for a male peacock it could explain the existence of male homosexuality - something that puzzles scientists by going against natural selection. Fashion sense is a feminine trait and makes men more attractive to both sexes which would allow them to reproduce with women even if they preferred men. This would also be a biological explanation for fag hags.

So fashion can make the hairless warm, the poor dateable, the ugly fuckable and the gays survivable. Doesn't it deserve more respect?

Note these other humans whose ability to reproduce is significantly aided by style, leading with Scott Disick - unemployed douchebag with anger management issues, baby daddy to Kourtney Kardashian, and the love of my life.   

A TALE OF TWO BIJANS (BIJAN PAKZAD, BIJAN SHAMS)

Apparently I am not the only completely ridiculous Persian fashion designer in the world. Meet Bijan, the self proclaimed king of Beverly Hills.

Those of you old enough to remember the 80s might remember Bijan.  Then it was all about Beverly Hills - there were Camp Beverly Hills t-shirts, Giorgio Beverly Hills perfume, Beverly Hills Cop movies, and of course Beverly Hills 90210.  Displaying your wealth was de rigueur and that's something Bijan wrote the book on.  He had a big perfume and was famous for designing a gun made of pure gold.

Well times have changed but Bijan has not.  My brother's name is also Bijan, so a friend of his came across this video (presumably while on-line stalking my brother).  Bijan (the brother) edited it down to a palatable length.

The amazing thing about this video is that Bijan thinks he is being charming.  It's like the only thing Americans loathe more than rich people is Middle Eastern people.  Wake up and smell the hate, Bij!

But the more I think about it the more I realize that to be successful you have to be delusional. Nothing will hold you back more than considering what other people will think, second guessing your ideas, or being self conscious.  People will talk shit no matter what you do so why not say fuck it and get rich?

When I was working at Express the incredibly successful CEO, asking about what to deliver in December (a season ridiculously called "Resort" because a tiny percentage of people go on vacation at this time) poised this question to the room: "What is our girl buying to wear on her Holiday in St.Tropez?"  So that's what she does with all the money she saves buying $39.99 dress slacks!

Some gems from Bijan the designer:

On his love life:  "My lady companion is 30 years old.  She's pretty and she's on her way to becoming an attorney and I love that."

On his price points:  "I happen to be the most expensive clothing designer in the world and (mock sympathy) I am sorry for that."

On his house keeper:  "That is Olivia and I love (corrects himself) like her very much."

In contrast, some gems from Bijan the brother:

On people:  "I hate everybody."

On current affairs:  "The world is ending."

On his sister:  "The best thing about you is that you don't think."

With that attitude I can tell you that Bijan the brother will never get what Bijan the designer ends his video with: George W. Bush saying, "You da man."

THE HISTORY OF THE BEATEN MOTO: PART II

Sheri hit Rene's shop first.  Rene's advantages: he had done the style before and it had come out well. He also had 3 tailors vs Omar's one man show.  But the disadvantage was that Rene did not speak English and this had led to some unexpected results in the past.  He always says, "check it out" instead of "look" when he's showing you something which I now know is a trick to make you think he's familiar with the language by using slang.  Check it out R.E.N.E, we're off to Omar's.

Omar is the Karl Lagerfeld of the Lower East Side.  If you go into any shop carrying something that's not a suit (i.e. trash bag of neon pink mongolian fur) all the guys say "take it to Omar".  He once made me 7 dresses in one day and lemme tell ya I don't arrive til noon.  And he don't work past 6.  Some had patterns, some didn't.  Whatevs he says.  But he too has his disadvantages - disappearing being the main one.  "What do you mean he's working at the phone company now?!!!" I was once forced to exclaim.  "IT'S FASHION WEEK!!!!" Thank God he resurfaced a days later at Nelson.

Omar was quoting some outrageously high prices for the (32 piece) jackets.  We were barely hitting mark-up at this point adding up raw materials alone.  Sheri might have been new to the job but she is a life long hustler so back to Rene's she headed to get a better deal.  Omar insisted he send someone to help her carry all the leather.  

Mr. Carry All, it turns out, was a spy.  Once he heard that Rene wanted to charge even more than Omar he reported back and we suddenly became the victim of LES price fixing.  

We ended up splitting the jackets evenly amongst the two.  Before we left Omar that night he threw a zip lock bag of lipsticks on top of the giant pile of leather.  We examined it suspiciously.  Apparently Omar was also an Avon lady.  We encouraged him to further develop his sales pitch as Sheri sold him her old pay-as-you-go phone (she switched to Boost Mobile.)  It was time to head home.

A week or so later the jackets were looking great and it was time to face the real challenge - getting the hardware put on.  Why would getting a few snaps and studs on each jacket be so difficult?  Well it's not as long as you follow a few simple rules:

"By my watch it's 3:59!  C'mon Nancy!"

Now they're almost done!  Just a few hundred hand washes and tumble dries and voila!  The most gorgeous leather jackets you've ever seen.  Absolutely perfect for pumping gas in thigh highs.  And now they're available in black!  Buy them here http://leilashams.com/leilashamsstore.html?bpid=148 and if you've got beef with the price you know who to take it up with.  Sheri.

Below: Kim Kardashian in the Beaten Moto Jacket, Swamp.

THE HISTORY OF THE BEATEN MOTO: PART I

This season the factory where I get my leather pieces made was completely booked.  I only needed to make a few motorcycle jackets for production so I decided to do them in NY using the tailors that usually do single pieces or alterations for me.  I have made a lot of bad decisions in my day but this one is right up there with doing a reality show about my line while working full time for a company that didn't want me doing my line.  If only I could fire myself the way they fired me.

I did the original version of the jacket last Spring (above).  I was wearing one while filming the aforementioned reality show and everyone liked it so we decided to do a new version for Intermix, who I was showing the collection to.  When the Intermix buyers saw it they almost vomited*.  Apparently the only thing they were more sick of than motorcycle jackets was the color military, which of course the jacket was in.  

*As a side note the song "I shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley was so popular when my mom was pregnant with me that she got physically sick of it, once throwing up in a department store when the instrumental version came on.  So yes, it's possible to be literally sick of something.

But Intermix aside the jackets are gorgeous, they are the softest leather and I hand wash them then tumble dry a million times so they're perfectly worn in.  Not only was I undaunted by Intermix's disgust, I proceeded to make even more, showing 4 different ones with my Spring collection.

I ended up getting orders on the military and ivory colorways.  So back to production: step 1 - endure the NY leather sales people.

Calling them sales people feels so wrong as their intention is always you leaving the store empty handed.  Last I checked (yesterday) you could get a double cheeseburger from McDonald's for $1.19.  So why the fuck can't I touch a cow skin without someone screaming, "Mommy!!! Wait for someone to help you!!!"  I don't have kids for a reason.  DON'T CALL ME MOMMY.

Then you're off to buy zippers, of which each jacket has 5.  I won't bore you with every step but lemme tell you, they all suck.  We couldn't find the same ones we originally used which turned out to be a relic of hardware past, no one recognized the brand, including the guy I originally bought them from.

So finally we got the leather, lining, zippers, buckles, and labels and headed downtown to get some mother fuckin jackets made.  Sheri, who had just started working for me, was assigned with this task.  There are only two tailors on the lower east side that are capable of this kind of craftsmanship - Omar and René (names not changed to expose the guilty).

Now when you're heavy in the while-you-wait $3 hem game and you see a fresh faced young thing hittin the streets with 2k worth of leather you take notice.  They were not giving up any piece of this job without a fight.....

Tune in tomorrow to see what happens!  Oh the suspense!